"Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear."
Ephesians 4:29
I remember being in elementary school and seeing the other girls staring at me and my friend Danny from across the playground, whispering, giggling then running away. Later that day the rumors spread like wildfire. "ooo, Danny and Lindsay sitting in a tree..." Were we "going out," as the lingo of the 4th grade class was at the time? No, we just both happened to like Beanie Babies and enjoyed looking at the latest edition of the catalogue on the playground. Needless to say, Danny never wanted to hang out with me anymore on the playground after that.
This would be a funny anecdotal story of a silly fourth grade class of kids, but the gossip never stopped. As we aged, the compulsion to gossip never ceased, but the implications changed from year to year. I, too, was drawn into this lure of mindless chatter about my peers around me. Never stopping to verify its validity or thinking about how the spread of this information could hurt those involved. It didn't end in junior high either, nor in high school, nor in college, nor in the workplace, and it most certainly has not ended in grad school. One thing I have definitely come to realize around my peers that cannot hold a conversation without belittling someone else, is that more than likely, they probably say some similar things about me. How can that type of knowledge possibly build a community of trust?
This is especially problematic within the body of Christ. Paul encourages us in Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear."
We, as fallen human beings, struggle with this issue. I have seen this (and unfortunately participated in it) within churches, Christian fellowships, small groups, and other Christian groups. We try to draw a hard line between what is and what is not gossip. I think Paul gives us a clear definition in Ephesians 4. There are a few "lies" I think we as Christians tell ourselves to make us feel better about the words that come out of our mouths.
Lie #1: It's not gossip if it is true!
Although rumors that spread that are not true are also bad, it is the rumors that are true that tend to hurt the most people. No one appreciates having the dirty laundry spread around the community. We are all sinners. We all have a past and have done things we are not proud of. Things have happened to us that we had no control over. Even if it is true, if it does not build or encourage another, there is not need for it to be discussed.
Lie #2: It's not gossip if it isn't a secret!
Simply because everyone already knows about something does not mean that discussing it is edifying to the hearers. Though there are points in time when issues within a community must be discussed, it should not be something that is dwelled on. Paul says we should say that which "is good for edifying as the need may be." Dwelling on these failures is not what Paul had in mind. Once an issue is addressed, it should not be repeated unless the issue arises once again.
This is even more true about the mindless chatter that is easy to fall into about a person's sense of humor, personality, or looks. When you tear down fellow human being, regardless of their shortcomings, you are tearing down an important piece of God's creation that He loves so much, He died for it.
Lie #3: It's not gossip if it is in the context of a prayer request!
This is a trap that I have seen so many people in Christian groups fall into, including myself. There is something beautiful about sharing prayer requests with one another and lifting each other up in prayer. However, there is a definite tendency for prayer request time to become a feel good gossip circle. It is a time to talk about others and their situation under the auspice of "praying for them." This doesn't necessarily only happen in a group setting. It is an easy tendency to tell others one on one about issues regarding other people for the same reason. This is a tricky trap.
There are times when sharing things with others is both necessary and edifying. But how do we know? Ask yourself these things before you proceed:
1. Is what I'm about to say corrupt?
Are the words I am about to say both true and glorifying to God? This is especially dangerous for the mindless chatter about the fellow Christian in your community whose personality you just clash with.
2. Is what I'm about to say edifying?
We are encouraged to build each other up. Talking about the successes and victories of our friends is encouraged! We are one body so it is wonderful to celebrate with one another over these things. We are also told to rebuke one another in love. In the case of someone living a sinful lifestyle, one should first approach that person directly before anyone else is ever involved. (Matthew 18:15-17)
3. Is what I'm about to say applicable right now?
We are all sinners and are always in need of edification. However, constant reminders of past sins or shortcomings will only continue to tear a person down.
4. Am I extending grace with my words?
Even if harsh things do need to be said, they should always be done so in a way that extends grace. Christ extended his grace towards us so we are commanded to do so to each other.
5. Is my audience appropriate?
This is sometimes a hard line to walk. If something needs to be said, be careful to whom you confide. Communities are prone to the "Group Think" phenomenon. If one person mentions a dislike or a suspicion of another person, it can plant that seed of thought into the mind of others and create a dislike that was not there to begin with.
Ultimately, Paul's letter to the Ephesians was a letter of encouragement. It was a letter of excitement over all they were doing in Ephesus. Despite their wide success as a Christian community, Paul still warned them to be careful with their words. The words that we use are the most powerful thing we have. They can both build up and completely destroy a community.
My prayer for myself in the past few years has been to be known as "the girl that never says anything bad about anyone." I've met only a handful of people like that in my life and those are the people I admire the most. I write this blog out of frustration of my own failures in this area. I have by no means conquered this temptation in my life but God has certainly been working on my heart to combat it. I pray that he does the same for you.
~Lindsay
