Dependence

Two main things that God is working on in my life are craving His word and depending on Him.


Graduate school has really taught me how to skim a reading.  When we are assigned hundreds of pages of reading I have learned how to skim these pages by quickly reading them looking for key words or dates that I should pay attention to.  Unfortunately this seems to be the only way I know how to read now.  Since the business school is on break I was excited to take up reading as a past time again, at least for a week.  Although when starting to read I realized that I was skimming even a book I was reading for pleasure.  I have been reading the bible like this as well.  Every night when I sit down to read a chapter or two of the bible, I have been skimming searching for key words as well.  I now have to force myself to read it a few times to completely comprehend what I am reading so that I don't automatically go into this mode.  God has really been working on me to learn to separate what I am reading for school and actually crave reading his word in a real way instead of reading it like I am reading a book for school.  Sometimes it seems reading the bible is just another check on my to do list for the day but instead it is becoming a reward at the end of a long day.


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When I think of truly living I think of depending on God 100%.  For someone who really likes things planned out, this is really hard for me.  I honestly have no idea where I will spend this summer for my internship or where I will be living next year or where I will be working in a year from now when I graduate.  These uncertainties are really hard for me to deal with and they really put me outside of my comfort zone.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11


I need to remind myself constantly that God does have a plan and that even though I am feeling out of control and have no idea what will happen in the next year, God is in control and He knows exactly what will happen and that His plan is good.  Although I hate this feeling of lack of control, the idea of depending on God and truly letting Him work in my life really allows me to rest in Him.


-Carly

"Jesus? Or no?"

One of the things I struggle with most is procrastination.  I find myself putting things off until the last possible minute, telling myself that I work best under pressure.  I make long lists of things I need to do, but instead of doing them, I can always find a reason to wait until “later.” 

A few weeks ago, I was listening to an incredible woman share her thoughts about what it means to walk with Jesus, to really know him for who He is and not just things about him.  In Matthew 16:13-15, Jesus asks his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”  They respond with “John the Baptist…Elijah…Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”  Then Jesus asks, “But what about you? Who do you say I am?” 

That seems like an easy question.  I’ve known Jesus since I was a little toddler in Sunday school singing about how much He loves me.  Of course I know who Jesus is!  But really think about that.  Do I really have an answer that even begins to describe character and depth of the person of Jesus Christ?  Do I have more than a scripted list of all the things I simply know about Christ or all the things He’s done for me?  What does my relationship with Christ really look like? How often to I just listen to Him speak to me?  Am I always looking for what he can give me? Do I wake up every day eager to know Him more deeply than the day before?  Do I choose to follow him wholeheartedly and intentionally in every choice I make?

It was at about this moment that the woman hit me with this: every single day we have the choice of “Jesus, or no.”  Every day.  Following Christ is not a decision you make once and then go on living as you want—it is a choice you make daily.  And while I was completely struck by the truth of that statement, I also had to wonder if I can honestly say that I deliberately “choose” Jesus every day of my life.  It’s so incredibly easy to get caught up in my own plans and lists and desires and all these things that the world places above Christ. 

And grad school seems to magnify all of this—we are constantly under the pressure of assignments, papers, tests, presentations, internships, interviews, career planning, job searching, projects, networking…the list goes on and on.  Everything about school is telling us to plan, to work hard, and to achieve.  And while these things are not necessarily bad, it’s terrifyingly easy to let our relationship with Christ take a backseat to our own initiatives and goals.

How many times have I thought, “I just really need to finish this project…I’ll spend time with Jesus when I’m done” or “I know I need to spend time praying about this…but I’ll do it later”?  How many days go by with nothing but a short, tired prayer of “thanks for this and these are the things I need your help with?”  Too many than I would care to admit.

The fact is, Christ offers us more.  He is not just a place to dump our laundry list of problems, and He is not someone that’s just along for the ride as we plan out our futures and worry about how we’re going to find jobs, etc.  He invites us to be a part of His plan, to be on mission with Him in a way that is far bigger than anything we could even imagine, let alone plan ourselves. “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” - Proverbs 19:21. 

So why would I live in a way that places daily stresses and planning above being with God?  I don’t want to “procrastinate” building a deeper relationship with Christ—thinking all the while that I will get to it eventually.  In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis is speaking from the perspective of a head demon when he says, “We have trained [people] to think of the Future as a promised land which favored heroes attain – not as something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” 

The reality is that every minute contributes to who we are and the depth of our relationship with God.  In one of my favorite quotes, C.S. Lewis also points out that “every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of yourself, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different than it was before.”  Every time we make a choice, we can choose Jesus, or we can say to Him, “No, I need to do this my way, on my time.  I will listen to You later.  I will get to our relationship when I’m done with all of these other things.” 

My prayer is that even in the midst of school, work, and concerns about the future, we would choose to put Jesus first.  I pray that, especially with finals coming up, we’ll resist the tendency to procrastinate spending real, quality time with Him.  Because when it comes down to it, I want to have an answer to the question of who Jesus is that can only come from walking with Him at all times, from valuing my relationship with Him above everything else, from seeking His face rather than his blessing, and from choosing Him daily.   

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.   For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

-Chelsey